When All Is Lost Then All Is Found



Well, hello again. I'm not going to beat around the bush, I'm just going to come right out and say it...it's been a while! With the popularity of TikTok and Reels, I'm fairly certain that the medium of "blogging" might be near dead these days but this spot on the internet is my own and used to be a great source of comfort and solace for me back in the day. This is why I'm utilizing this outlet again in an attempt to alleviate the weight of the thoughts in my head by putting them out there in writing. So...


"WHERE HAVE I BEEN?"


You might be wondering this. I wish I could tell you that I've been traveling the world and taking risks and having grand adventures but I've been on a massive internal healing journey. Healing the wounds of being in an incredibly stressful profession I wasn't passionate about for eight years, healing the wounds of burn out and constant self-comparison from being an "influencer", and healing the wounds of uncertainty amidst a pandemic, not knowing what necessarily is going to come next. Finding peace with not matching up to society's definition of "success" by a certain age and learning to be content with redefining success for myself.


After I left my leasing consultant position in 2019, I made the decision to stop blogging and go back to school at Santa Monica College to discover what profession I wanted to switch into. I got nice intel from a career counseling course and adored the classes I took in Fashion and Graphic Design. I devoted this past Fall semester to learning the Adobe Creative Suite but I spread myself too thin and I ended up getting covid and a bad case of it too. I was sick but also sick of homework and projects and sick of Zoom and decided I wanted (and let's be real...needed) to get back into the job force. I learned that the job boards brought forth demons I wasn't even aware I had and also brought forth familiar demons as well. So even though I've been incredibly internal, I've still be actively fighting battles in the war going on inside my mind. As a deep thinker, an over-thinker, I knew those things were holding me back but it's never been as crystal clear as it is right now.


Unfortunately, everyone experiences trauma at one point or another in their lives. And as a disclaimer, yes, I realize I am incredibly privileged to have the problems I have and to not be living in a war torn country. I keep a gratitude list and read it every night before bed and every morning when I wake up. I'm aware I could have it much worse. However, the way I chose to deal with my trauma though was to retreat. To hide. To create an enormously secure and armed safety zone to avoid any sort of pain and rejection. I believe I needed to do this to a certain extent but now I'm feeling stuck in my comfort zone and eroding fast because no growth can happen within the confines of a comfort zone. And once a comfort zone is expanded there is no turning back or shrinking. I think I finally feel at peace with the fact that now is the time to be brave. To put myself out there and try new things. I've had a lot of blockages and held a lot of resistance in terms of breaking this cycle due to fear and I feel like that is something a lot of people relate to and struggle with who also get too in their head to regularly try new things. I see you, I hear you, I'm one of you. But I also know that I have a huge purpose and my heart screams loudly every day reminding myself of this. As for the path I will take to get there, I'm still uncertain but I believe it's about making just one choice. One different choice can open the door up to endless possibility. Plus, it's all about the journey anyway, not the destination.


Whenever I go through a phase of growth or gain awareness that I need to make a hard and uncomfortable choice in order to grow, I get very emotional. This time was no exception as I could only stomach watching Disney movies and watched Frozen 2 and Encanto on repeat. There's a lyric from one of the songs in Frozen 2 that says "when all is lost, then all is found" and that deeply resonated with me on a spiritual level. You can't find yourself if you aren't a little lost sometimes. So I'm not sure that I know where I'm heading but I know I'm going to take a leap of faith and trust that the Universe will bring me to be exactly where I need to be. Other than that, I am doing well and am really proud of the healing that I've done and the experiences I've overcome. We don't take enough time or make enough effort to be proud of how far we've come.


Now the pang of opening up and being vulnerable is making me want to squirm so I'm going to wrap up. I hope everyone is being safe out there and that everyone is being kind to themselves. Sending so much love and radiance to you! I know this post is a departure from the content I've been posting lately but I needed to honor the call to go deep and share my truth. It's a very spiritual weekend this weekend, and I'm curious to know what comes up for you all. I'm very much looking forward to all the exciting things and possibilities my future has to offer. :-) Oh, and if you're still reading this and haven't given up on me, thank you.


Love,

Your forever Scarab, Erin <3